TEAM CHICAGO NEWSLETTER - ONLINE EDITION
Some call this the Golden Age of Chicago sports GM's. Stan Bowman has built a dynasty, Gar Forman and Theo Epstein have teams that could compete for championships soon, and Ryan Pace and Rick Hahn have quickly made some great moves early in their tenures. But there is a hidden gem who may be the best of the bunch. Yes, we are talking about Team Chicago GM Frank! The prior leaders left the team in shambles, and in a few short years this crafty GM has built a powerhouse on the verge of a dynasty. By investing in scouting and player development there is a core group of both stars and role players who are committed to the team. Yes, the future looks bright for this franchise. Thanks Frank, we love you, you're the best!!
It's nice being the editor of your own website. GO TC!!
It took us long enough, but in our 7th try, we finally won the Sin City Shootout. GM Frank took a different approach this year. He finally kicked himself to the third line and found some good young hockey players to carry the load. It was bittersweet for the GM, who felt like something was missing. "After all these years, it felt great to win, but it didn't seem right without Captain Kirk, who first brought us to this event in 2007. Wait a minute" Frank said. "6 years with Kirk and no championships, 1 year without Kirk and we win??!! He's off the team for good. I never really liked him anyways."
Yes, Frank is famous for his loyalty; just wait until he realizes that Ronnie wasn't there this year!
The most exciting part about the trip was that for the first time ever, TC played in the coed division. Truth be told, most of the guys were skeptical at first, but by the end of the weekend the ladies won the hearts of all the guys, who are now begging to be part of the team.
It was no small task finding the "right" girls who could fit into the unique Team Chicago culture, so GM Frank brought on a special assistant who was up for the task. Erica "Boom Boom" Bankowski may be from Pittsburgh, but she bleeds Chicago baby blue and red.
We found a copy of the memo GM Frank sent to Erica during the team recruitment:
Thanks for agreeing to help put together a coed team for Vegas, I think it will be really exciting. Listen, before you start recruiting the girls for the team, I want to make sure you understand what Team Chicago is all about, and the types of qualities we are looking for. Here are some things we look for in a team:
1. We have had a lot of success since we started adding Canadians to our team. See if you can find some Canadians; preferrably ones who have absolutely no hockey skill.
2. Teams play better if you have a beautiful looking player on the team. I have always covered that for the men, but see if you can find us some eye candy; check out California.
3. Every team needs a star player. I heard about a phenom from our capital with a funny nickname. Please look into her medical history.
4. Can you find a very tiny, very fast player.
5. We like to party; see if you can find girls who like to drink hard, or who will bring along a hard-drinking friend.
6. See if you can find an attractive, yet freaky woman around my age who will tease me and my teammates all weekend. Preferably somebody who can "dish it out, but can't take a joke." Kind of a female version of me.
7. Don't worry about a goalie; I already have one who can keep the goals against average under 5.
Thanks, and good luck
It wasn't an easy task, but Erica somehow managed to meet all expecations. It's a tricky formula, but it works and the team made it into the championship game. We actually would have won if Erica herself was on her game, but she was slowed down by pneumonia. Frank is still trying to confirm that diagnosis with the medical staff, as there are rumors that she got on a hot streak at the casino and was drinking for 36 straight hours prior to the first game. Having played with Billy for so long, Frank is used to his players blaming some mysterious illness for poor play. Not sure if Billy ever claimed pneumonia, but here is a list of the medical excuses he has come up with over the years: Clamidia, hypertension, shingles, AIDS, alzheimers, ovarian cancer, flu, bird flu, swine flu, spanish influenza, herpes, heat rash, ingrown toenails, sunburn, fatigue, and strep throat.
I hear you loud and clear, sports fans; Where are the Newsletters?? Everywhere I go, people ask me when the next edition of the vaunted Newsletter will be released. Swietek kept pestering me about the Newsletter, so I broke his hand with a vicious slash to try to shut him up. Afterwards, I gave him the necessary apology, but truth be told, I don't feel bad about it at all. Listen, I have a life, and I can't spend all day coming up with nonsense about ball hockey. At this point, I don't have an official date for the next edition, but I thought I would at least give you a little something to hold you over. I hope you enjoy this limited edition online Newsletter update.
Congratulations and thank you to all the players who made their first TC appearance in Vegas.
Sports fans around the world tune in to watch TC win the Sin City Shootout.
Congratulations and thank you to all the players who made their first TC appearance in Pittsburgh
Kelly Jo Schneider
TC Publications is working on team Calendar: Here is Miss July
Team Chicago set a new standard for commitiment and participation by entering 3 teams into the annual Pitt trip. The results were mixed, but the teams all competed hard, and a good time was had by all.
Once again, GM Frank entered a mish mash team into this event. Many of TC's star players couldn't make the trip, and Frank released some of his cornerstone pieces to help out with a depleted Foxhound squad. Thanks to some solid scouting, the team added some young, passionate players from Oak Lawn. Vince and Jordan brought some much needed skill, while Matt and Marty brought a mix of energy and hostility that have long been the hallmark of Team Chicago. The Pittsburgh squads were so desperate to succeed in the Recreational B division that they resorted to dirty play. They underestimated the mettle of our squad and got more than they bargained for. Sluggo Brian added his name to the long list of hothead TC goalies. Truth be told, we had more individual talent than any team we played against, but those teams have played together, and by Pitt rules for a long time. I'm proud of you all.
I don't like Eric, the Foxhounds or anybody on this team, particularly Bruner who can't take an innocent Penis joke. I guess I touched a nerve there. Actually, the worst think about this squad wasn't the 0-3 record, but the fact that Bruner didn't take another stick in the neck. I'm starting a 'Swap Bruner' petition to permanantly replace Dan with his brother Marcus on Team Chicago, the Sunday morning game, and all Palatine leagues. As much as I don't like any of the guys on the team, I am proud of the way you all played. Given some time together as a team and the results would have been much better.
Once again Erica brought together an amazing group of ladies. She also brought Shannon. I was hoping to build a powerhouse team and tried to get some good young players involved. I even thought the women would play better if I brought on some good looking youn guys so I added Jordan and Marty to the squad. Matt was there too, but he's ugly as f#*@! The team was good, but went up agains a Blitkrieg team that takes this shit way too seriously. How do you cheap shot somebody into the boards in a game in which you have a comfortable lead?? They love to win, which is why they practice 4 times a week and have a significan budget set aside for steroids. Seriously, where did they find those people? The one girl took Chuck and tossed him aside like he was a rag doll. I'm proud of this team too, and I think we could have beaten any team that was full of normal human beings.